To mark Conan’s triumphant return to TV, we decided to pit your three (okay, probably two) favorite nighttime talk show hosts against each other.

First things first, Leno is out of the discussion, aside from his car collection he has nothing over the other two. He’s the least funny, Krusty famously summed up Headlines: “Comedy isn’t funny anymore…You’ve got some big chinned slob reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here’s a headline for ya. Nobody cares!” And that is Leno’s best bit. I understand that it’s nothing new to take shots at Leno, and I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but could you deal with that voice, over the course of a marriage, or during sex? He’s out.

I have to be honest here, I want to both f*ck and marry Conan. But since I have to pick one, I would f*ck Letterman. He’s 62, but he had a kid in 2003, so he could probably still take care of business. I have nothing to say of his competence in the sack besides that, except maybe after chasing Leno in the ratings for so many years, he’s hungry and has something to prove.
As for Conan, he’s pretty much the total package. He is tall, and maybe not everyone likes the pale redheaded part of his looks, but I don’t mind. He has a great sense of humor, especially about himself. He drives a fifteen year old Ford Taurus, so you know he’s practical. Anyone who watches his entrance knows he can accept praise, and move well. And that isn’t even mentioning the great company he keeps, who wouldn’t want to have a dinner party with Max Weinberg, Andy Richter, and Preparation H Raymond? Conan is head and shoulders above the rest, and if he hadn’t just moved to California I would marry him.